updated 10.2.19

By EDP contributor Marissa - don’t miss Ashley’s Post BC Diary Here

I struggled with acne all through high school. While I didn’t connect the dots between stress, diet and acne back then, I still think it would’ve been something I suffered from regardless. To make matters worse, I played sports. For three hours, i’d be covered in a film of sweat that likely sent my pores into retaliation mode. Their weapon of choice? Chest acne and bacne (back acne for those of you blessed with perfect skin.) Besides overthrowing my confidence, this war also put me in a lot of uncomfortable situations. I’m talking, sweaters in 80+ degree weather, uncomfortable.

Everyone has their own reasons for going on birth control, but mine had everything to do with sticking it to those little monsters that were constantly taking over my life. I went on and never looked back.

The first time I went off birth control, it was by mistake. Boy, did I pay for it. I had no idea of the side effects and found out the hard way that when you put a bandaid on a bullet wound, it will come back to haunt you. My acne came back with a vengeance and before I knew it, I was back on the pill. I was a slave to birth control, and it had made me its bitch.

It wasn’t until the first time I did a Whole30, when I had to take inventory of everything going into my body, that I realized I was taking daily synthetic hormones with no idea of the long term effects (side note: still have no clue). Truly, I wanted to see if I could go off birth control, balance my hormones naturally and relieve myself of the necessity to take a pill every day. Here’s how that went:

December 22, 2018

Today is the day I take my last pill. It feels really good to Gronk spike my BC pack into the trash with an attitude, even though I had spent the entire month moaning to my friends about how terrified I am. Whatever, I’ll show the pill that I’m better off without it, scorned ex-girlfriend style.

December 28, 2018

If I’m going off birth control because I’m worried about what I’m putting into my body, I need to start worrying about what goes ON my body as well. I sent Ash a text asking if she knows of any good natural cleansers. We’re clearly new to the natural world. Hey, you have to start somewhere.

January 1, 2019

I resolve to begin my year with a Whole30. Besides the fact that I feel great during, I know people have good luck with their skin when their diet is clean. Not to mention, I ate every food group under the sun for the holidays and wouldn’t mind a hard reset.

January 7, 2019

After falling in a google search black hole, I am in a panic. Just as Ash said, I would proceed with caution if you’re looking for answers on the internet.. not sure you’re always going to like what you find. There are a few books on the market that the masses recommend. The Woman Code and Beyond The Pill. Quite frankly, I’m impressed by the amount of people making a killing from creating products specifically meant to help your body adjust after the fact. But no honey, you ain’t getting my money.. I can do this on my own.*

*I could not, in fact, do it on my own.

January 11, 2019

Today Ash told me she’s forced into going off birth control, and while I do feel bad, I am elated that we can be on this journey together. After all, misery loves company. (Read her post BC diary here)

January 15, 2019

Flying out to California to begin the process of moving back home to Boston. Kind of freaked out by the amount of stress I’m putting myself through, and also have no idea how I’m going to manage doing a Whole30 on a road trip. Instead of adding that to the list of things to stress about, I’m just going to give myself a break and do the best I can.*

*I did not, in fact, do the best I could.

January 24, 2019

After almost a week in the car, zero hydration and daily fast food stops, I’m back in Boston. Somehow, my skin is glowing. It feels a little like I cheated death, but I don’t want this sick joke to end.

February 2019

It’s hard not to drink while being back home. I live in a small town and there’s not much to do so I look forward to food outings and drinking with friends. This, however, does not make for a great diet. I’ve noticed that the 5 lbs. that I used to fluctuate between are now permanent. I feel better blaming it on birth control because my diet isn’t that out of the ordinary.

I am taking a few supplements, including my OG Vital Proteins collagen. I add Zinc and DIM to the mix. Somehow taking away one pill and adding 3 more things to take on the daily feels counterintuitive, but at least these supplements are good for you.

I’m starting to see acne pop up more often now. The things that I used to be able to get away with now affect me. Long makeup wear, dairy, stress = pimples.

This is the first month my period is late.

March 5, 2019

And just like that, my dewy, glowy post-bc skin is now a disaster. WW3 is going down beneath my pores and I want to crawl in a hole and wait for it to be over before I crawl back out. I can’t remember the last time I had more than one zit on my face. I now realize what an ungrateful little brat I’ve been because I didn’t thank the skin gods for every day they blessed me with spot-free skin. I’m not much of a selfie taker, but today is the day I wish I took more selfies, only so I could put on Sarah McLachlan’s ‘I Will Remember You’ and swipe through pictures of my cherub smooth skin.

March 7, 2019

It feels like zits the size of golf balls are inhabiting my face. I keep having to look in the mirror to remind myself that it’s not as bad as it feels. I can’t even wash my face without wincing in pain — what the fluff.

Cramps now accompany my period and I AM NOT A FAN.

March 9, 2019

I become one of those people that leave the house with a white head. I mentally go back in time and apologize for ever judging those poor humans. All they were trying to do was live their life. While I hate to be the one subjecting people to look at it, GIVE ME A BREAK! I am trying not to scar my face so that my ego has a fighting chance at life after this misery.

March 21, 2019

After battling back and forth with these demons, I finally get my face under control. The thing about hormonal acne is that it comes on strong and hard, and even when it has already done the worst damage, it leaves a lasting mark. I still have spots left over from zits that went away over a month ago, not to mention a makeshift beard of redness. Luckily, it’s nothing a little makeup can’t fix, but I hope one day I won’t need to rely on makeup to leave the house.

April 2, 2019

OMFG - If I have to deal with acne AND going bald, I’m going to lose it. Ash texted me to check to see if I had noticed any hair loss? Well, yeah, actually.. now that you mention it, I have noticed that my already thin hair looks more thin. My little baby hairs seemed to have disappeared, not strong enough to withhold the nutrient sucking monster that is my body post birth control.

Something tells me that after my hormones are balanced out, I will need therapy.

April 3, 2019

I read somewhere that DIM makes your hair fall out. Instead of considering that the hair loss could be due to my body being out of whack, it’s easier for my brain to blame it on the supplement. Not to mention, it’s extremely dehydrating. I would need to triple my water intake in order to feel normal in my day to day. I already suffer from migraines, so it doesn’t seem worth it to me to be bald and have a headache 24/7. I stop taking it.

April 11, 2019

I have a flashback to when I was in middle school and had to drink a full glass of milk at the breakfast table before I could go upstairs and get ready. I haven’t had regular cows milk in over 3 years and this little image of my younger self choking down a glass makes my stomach turn. It’s the LA basic bitch in me to only drink milk made out of nuts, oats, or preserved beetle dung. As long as it’s not cows milk, I’m told that I’m good.

April 16, 2019

I am now 2 weeks late for my period. Pretty sure it’s gone. I still experience the acne that comes along with the period, which feels a bit unfair. My acne seems to be showing up more often, and my hair has stayed the same. I am going to go back on DIM to see if it will bring my period back. Ashley claims that prenatal vitamins may be the cure for hangovers and I consider how weird it would be to go on a prenatal vitamin with no plans to prep for a baby in sight.

April 22, 2019

Instead of saying I’m 20+ days late, I think it’s safe to say I skipped my period. Sure, it’s great to have a month off, but it’d be better if I had a say in the vacation time. It’s not very comforting knowing I don’t have it because my hormones are THAT out of whack. I read that slathering castor oil all over your stomach, setting it with a heating pad and praying to your uterus helps bring it back, so I search castor oil on amazon. I don’t buy it, but save it in my cart for a later date.

5 month reflection

Honestly, it feels good to be 5 months in. I say this only because I read that it takes roughly 8 to 9 months for your body to readjust. Knowing that I am more than halfway through an imaginary timeline just gives me a sense of ease. Not sure if you’ve noticed, but I am that irrational person that grabs at whatever she needs to calm her worries.

I have a lot of respect for my body these days. While I’m a little rounder around the edges than I’m used to being, I still find reasons to love myself. It’s important to me to not let these external factors define me. I leave the house with no makeup on and don’t care what people may be thinking. First of all, my skin has to breathe, people. Second of all, no one is thinking anything because (hopefully) they have other things to worry about. I avoid restrictive eating because I’d rather live than punish my body for holding on to 5 extra lbs. I listen to the things my body is telling me. Right now, not having my period means my body is still working through ALMOST A DECADE of a routine that I stopped cold turkey.

If you’re thinking about getting off birth control, my advice would be to do your research. Everyone has a different story, and while it’s okay to read about them and learn more about what people are going through, your experience is going to be unique. This is my second time trying to go off birth control, and even for the same person, it’s totally different. Talk to your doctor and create a game plan instead of diving headfirst into the post-bc abyss (like I did).

The greatest side effect of going off birth control has been the exponential growth in my self love. While going through these experiences hasn’t exactly been easy, it could be a lot worse. The things my body does for me on a daily basis is nothing short of a miracle, whether it’s making it out of a hangover alive or simply going for a walk. Acne and hair loss SUCKS but it’s a problem that so many people would kill for, if they were able to choose between their troubles or mine. Perspective, girlfriend. xx - Marissa

PS: make sure to read Ashley’s Post BC Diary Here

April 25, 2019

Freakin’ hallelujah I GOT MY PERIOD! I’ve never been so excited by that time of the month before, but didn’t realize how horrible it felt to not have it. Hopefully from here on out we’ll be back on track, but just grateful that my body seems to be coming back around.

April 26, 2019

Ashley and I have started to feel a bit like drug dealers. Many times, our conversations start off by talking about the latest and greatest we’ve seen on the interwebs. We talk about where to get the hook up, what we might expect.. it’s an operation and we’ll do whatever it takes to get the job done.

April 29, 2019

I think today is a day that will go down in my memory bank as the first day of my post-bc life. I’m not positive if I’m just experiencing heightened emotions because I have regular human hormones again or if I’m just losing it. What do they call it? A mood swing? Good lord, get me off this GD swing, will you?! We all have our go-to taming practices. Mine happen to be some delicious food and a gratitude list - well, a burger and fries deep and about 20 items down on my list and IT’S NOT WORKING.

May 2, 2019

After watching Game of Thrones, it dawns on me that periods are like the Night King. When it’s time, they lift their arms, signaling to the dormant hormonal acne to wake the eff up and wreak absolute savagery on your face. If you don’t burn the MF to a fiery death, they only get smaller in size and come back to haunt you on the next round.

You know it’s bad when you equate war scenes in a TV show to your period..

May 5, 2019

Looking at my reflection in the morning can be a hit or miss. I am not a morning person in general, and my reflection seems to agree sometimes. This AM, however, something happened. Somehow I’ve lost 5 lbs. in two days. While packing for London, I try on things that I’m sure don’t fit right… and they fit!!! I unbutton and button a pair of jeans, that I lovingly describe as human sausage casing, over and over again in disbelief. I ascribe this surprise weight loss to positive self talk and chalk it up as a very big win.

May 8, 2019

A few days ago, I took the leap into natural deodorant land. Ashley had great reviews about the Native brand, but homegirl wasn’t about to shell out $12 for something that may not work for me. I ended up trying the new Dove’s natural stick. I put it on for the first time today and OMG I smell like a GD vacation. I genuinely ask my guy to smell my armpits, unashamed. This change was risky, especially with hormones being out of whack, but I have never been so excited by deodorant. It’s the simple things on this journey, I’m telling ya.. embrace ‘em.

May 12, 2019

Since arriving to London, I go through a high stress Airbnb situation, eat all the carbs and suffer from a severe lack of sleep. My skin is glowing. Seriously, how are we ever supposed to get the hang of this ebb and flow?

May 18, 2019

Ashley and I come up with an appropriate hashtag: #RIPBCBOOBS. Unfortunately, our experiences are quite different.

May 28, 2019

I never thought I’d be upset about a 3-day period, but there’s something disconcerting about your body not functioning in the way it’s meant to. Although, now with no form of birth control, a missed period holds a lot more weight… so I am grateful nonetheless.

June 2, 2019

I didn’t end up packing my OG Vital Proteins powder for London. I had a few of the single packs to last me through the first few days, but when they ran out, I decided against paying exorbitant international shipping fees and ordering a new tub. BOY, WAS THAT A MISTAKE. By this time, it’s been about a month or so since I’ve stopped taking my daily scoop of collagen. You know that filter that makes you into an 80 year old version of yourself? I don’t mean to be dramatic, but damn… looking in the mirror feels a lot like that. For those of you in doubt about the effects of collagen, I can confirm that the difference you will see when you go off of it is astounding. I order a different brand with good reviews and wait by the door for two days.

June 5, 2019

Bloating will be the bane of my existence. At this point, it’s only the week after my period that I can see any semblance of bone structure in my face and other than that, everything is puffy. Aside from Motrin, I need to look into ways to help with bloating, because it is not a fun feeling.

7 month reflection

The bad news is, with or without acne, time still flies by. In the moment, breakouts can seem like they halt time in its tracks, but on the other side, you realize you were just wishing precious time away. 7 months in and my handle on my acne is a tiny bit better. Breakouts are less frequent and seem to show up a week or two after my period. The time in between that, my face is decently clear, aside from the hormonal acne scars that now riddle my face with small red spots.

Since I’m in a different climate in London, I’ve been having a few other skin issues so it’s hard to tell what that is from exactly. I’m happy to report that my collagen arrived safe and sound. As soon as I started taking it, I also started a nightly routine of having a turmeric latte. About a week later, I broke out along my chin. This is frustrating because I’m not sure if this is because of where I am in my cycle, a new collagen or the lattes.

My only option at this point is trial and error mixed with time. My hair has been surviving. I feel better about being on the collagen for that and skin purposes.

Balanced hormones seem like a faraway dream. With the 9 month mark in sight, it feels a little too good to be true that my body will be settled by then. It’s time to evoke the power of positive thinking into this situation. Expect some good news on the next update. xx Marissa

June 10, 2019

Meeting new people with adult acne is not the business. Now not only am I worried about saying something weird but also hyper-analyzing where a person’s eyes go when I talk to someone. It’s astounding how acne can affect your confidence even when you’re all for the 'nothing can get me down on myself’ vibes.

June 15, 2019

I’ve yet to get my diet in check. While I want to be that person who eats only what’s healthy for my body, I just love food. Although, my location works in my favor since I’ve found that the ingredients used in Europe are far better than the ones used in the United States. As well as the alcohol. I’ve seen less of a correlation between my skin and my diet these past few months, which I’m not sure is helpful.

June 21, 2019

I’ve finally come to terms with my beard of red spots. Since the hormonal acne is just waiting to ruin my life at the most inopportune times, I try to appreciate when I can just put a little cover up on and call it a day. I’ve seen no difference in my skin since the start of my new collagen, but my hair is THRIVING. Take the wins where you can get them.

June 27, 2019

I get my period on time this go around and just in time for my brother and his friend to get here. Mother Nature has such a way with timing. We eat and drink all of the things and my skin cooperates for the most part. My brother and I were similar growing up with our skin woes. I happened to cover my issue up with birth control whereas he tried every option under the sun. It wasn’t until right before I left for London that I told him it matters what he puts on his skin by way of natural products vs. ones with a bunch of ingredients you don’t know how to pronounce. He shows up to London with baby soft skin and virtually no pores and his answer to my plea to tell me everything? ‘I just stopped washing my face as much.’ WOW. What the hell did women do to deserve the ‘17 step skincare routine’ lifestyle?

July 2, 2019

In honor of keeping it real, it’s time to fill you in on one of my lower points. My skin was having a good week - one where I didn’t have to ‘stress touch’ my face prior to leaving the house. I’m feeling good, eerily confident, when I have my photo taken at my girlfriends work. (She manages social media for a street food market.) I was harmlessly ushered into a photo session, which I invited in with the charm of a C-list actor in front of a photo call. In other words, I’m THRILLED. Lights, camera, action, amirite?! When the photos are posted, I’m excited, but I end up zeroing in on my hairline and then going down a black hole of despair when trying to decide if I should post it. (Don’t worry, I’m rolling my eyes far enough into the back of my head for the both of us.) What happens next, I’m not the least bit proud of… but I facetune… my. hairline. Good god - what has the world come to!? While I know I’m not nearly the first nor will I be the last, this feels like a new low for me. I text Ash for comfort and decide not to repost. Sharing the before and after so I can be released from the soul crushing embarrassment I have about the whole ordeal. Looking back on it, it was technically a bad hair day and isn’t even that horrible… oh, life.

July 2019

This month ended up being a pretty good one. I had a lot to look forward to: my girlfriend was coming for the month, made some new friends and the guy I was pining over was coming at the end of the month for a visit right before I left for Spain. It’s funny looking back on some of these memories and being in utter distress over my acne, when in reality, the only thing I’ll really take with me are the better memories. When looking back at pictures I do my best to remember that although I’m able to see my skin flare ups, the memories made are what will survive the test of time. I had one of the greatest picnics of my life during July and I’d much rather think back on it with fondness rather than worrying about what zit was inhabiting my face that day.

August 1, 2019

Nothing like a ‘good’ month off BC to make you forget about what it’s like in the trenches. I skip this period entirely and my face goes crazy. My mood swings, which I think I’m starting to connect to when my period comes, are a force to be reckoned with. Pretty much if you’re breathing, you’re going to annoy me. Woof - I feel bad for the people closest to me. Ashley’s late as well, and since she’s not pregnant, I try to help calm her nerves by suggesting that her body may be stressed from all the recent travel.

August 7, 2019

A hormonal under the skin breakout turns into a situation when it starts to grow 5 or so days after showing up. This should be against the skin laws, but alas.. we’re here. Nothing I do seems to help, so I do what any sane woman would do: I take a pair of nail clippers to my face and play doctor. Ain’t no way you’re catching me going to urgent care in Spain to explain my acne woes in Spanish.

August 19, 2019

Still no period and Ash and I are just texting back and forth with face updates. How are we almost a year in and still in the same situation? What ever happened to the 9 month mark? Why is the light at the end of the tunnel disappearing instead of getting closer? To my dismay, the people around me are in for a real treat when interacting with me and get tossed under an 18-wheeler because of my mood swings. Is this just me? Maybe I’m just an a*hole.

August 23, 2019

I download a habit tracking app called Done and feel a new surge of motivation from simply clicking a button to reach my goal. My goals are ‘Drink 8 8oz cups of water/day,’ ‘Meditate,’ and ‘Wake up before 8am.’ The increase in water intake has me believing I’m glowy from being a better hydrated plant. Don’t @ me.

August 25, 2019

The positive: I got my period back. The negative(s): The new post-BC cramps are going to do me in, my body acne is coming back, and I decided to watch Five Feet Apart after a glass of wine. Someone pass me the entire box of tissues, PLEASE. That movie had me wanting to do a happy dance for my measly cramps and acne.

September 4, 2019

Went camping on a secluded beach and ended up bringing the wrong face cream. Turns out wearing retinol the night before being in the sun all day will really teach you a lesson. My face was on fire the entire day and is now home to a million red little bumps. FUN! (Side note: I wore a boatload of sunscreen and a hat to protect my face. Retinol + Sun = not a joke.)

September 20, 2019

What better birthday present than an early period and ruining your favorite pair of shorts because of said gift? I’ve really been putting my body through it this month with nonstop travel and virtually no sleep. Add in many nights filled with a ‘copa de vino’ or, let’s be honest, an entire bottle because it’s so damn cheap. Looking back on 27, I’m feeling really grateful. I am, however, looking forward to a time in the future where my hormones are balanced.

September 25, 2019

Ashley and I have a very exciting conversation about the new zit stickers that are on the market. We have an upcoming girls weekend where we plan to try them out and see what works. My face is freaking out and there’s a chance I have an under the skin pop up gone real bad. Crossing my fingers it doesn’t turn into mayhem.

9 month reflection

So… we’ve reached the date in my post-BC countdown that I was so excited to arrive at. It’s been 9 months and to be honest, I feel like my body is still just as out of whack as it was when I began this journey. There are a lot of things I may do differently going forward.

I head back to the States in November and I think my first order of business is going straight to the dermatologists office to get my hormones checked. If you’re in the midst of this journey and have access to a derm, I’d suggest you do this as soon as you can.

Next up, diet. I can only coast on European cuisine for so long. While I do balance out my diet with a healthy dose of vegetables, maybe I should really double down on what i’m working with here. Perhaps cutting out my weekly (okay, daily) gelato fix. Life is hard.

If I’m being candid, I’m not very happy with the progress I’m making. It makes me feel a bit out of control not knowing what’s going on with my body and much less so not really knowing what to do next. I was hoping for a happier update, but unfortunately, this one is a bit of a downer.

Ash told me to start tracking my acne in my Flo app, which I think will help me get a better handle on when and where it shows up. It would likely be beneficial to do the same for my mood swings and plan my Netflix and chill (solo) days accordingly.

Keeping it real…