Happy Libido = Happy Life: Sex Therapy with Dr. Shannon Chavez

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One of the most listened to As Your Friend podcast episodes is our chat with sex therapist, Dr. Shannon Chavez. And since we’re all home right now, forced to be with our partners, I thought it might be nice to re-surface some of the things we discussed namely low sex drive. I’m just out here trying to help you gals live your best quarantine sex life!

What is sex therapy? It’s a form of talk therapy (spoiler alert: there is no touching). You talk with your therapist about all aspects of your sexuality including your behavior, thoughts, and fantasies among other things. It’s a collaborative relationship where you can address your concerns in a safe space and develop a plan to improve your sex life, something that can never be considered a bad thing! 

If you find yourself with low sex drive, keep reading for five things that may be the culprit and how to combat them (in and out of the bedroom):

Everyday Pursuits post-wedding beach photoshoot with Gina + Ryan Photography

Stress: Stress is a libido killer. We have too many things in our life that have us over extended and we need to simplify. Currently, it’s impossible to turn on the news without being bombarded with an influx of information, most of it not being very positive. Don’t let Corona kill your sex vibe! Create a structure and/or routine that gets you back in tune with your body and makes you ‘feel’ good. Working out, eating well, taking a bath after a full day of working from home and having sex - all of these things help to lower your stress levels and in return give your body the sense of calm and protection it so desires. 

(Social) Media: Phones in general are always present in our daily lives, but it’s important to start thinking about them as a third party in your relationship. If you’re using them in the morning and at night, they’re taking away from a potential meaningful conversation with your partner. You have to be engaged when you watch TV or scroll through social media because you’re taking in information and processing, therefore you can’t be engaged with your partner at the same time. Rework the way you engage with the media. Plan movie nights with your partner and limit your social media to certain hours within your day. Maybe a no phones in bed policy? Remember that these things have an affect on your emotional state and even your physical body (tech neck anyone?).

Lack of creativity: Wherever you are in your sex lives, there’s no getting around the fact that sex can feel stale if you keep doing the same thing over and over again. Creativity increases your libido and Dr. Chavez made a great point that sex is adult play. We use our imagination and fantasize about what we want. So get creative with it! Add toys, extend foreplay, and change your environment. The kitchen counter or the shower can be new and exciting places for you and your partner to kick it up a notch and experience something new. Give your house ALL the quarantine love!

Shame: Whether it’s not having enough sex or not understanding the human anatomy, there is so much stigma and shame attached to sex. If you’re asking yourself if you smell different or unsure where to touch a man during sex, know that these are things that every person worries about at some point or another. When you’re informed and educate yourself (like talking to a sex therapist) you gain your power back in the bedroom. You feel safer and more calm when it comes to communicating your needs with your partner and having them do the same. There is not shame in your bedroom game - live your best life and let the outside expectations go.

Expectations: The great thing about having 7 billion people on this Earth is that no two people are the same. This means that there is no benchmark you need to hold yourself or your partner up against. Don’t hold an imaginary number over your head when it comes to how much you should be having sex and don’t look at that video of porn as the end all be all for great sex. You get to choose what you want and what you like. Dr. Chavez recommends exploring it with your own hands to figure out what you want and what you like. An orgasm is like a language. Without learning it on your own through masturbation, it’s going to be more difficult to communicate to your partner what you want. Without communicating what you want, you may expect them to ‘know’ and that’s no good for anyone involved. Let go of unrealistic expectations and give you and your partner a clean slate, full of space for communication, fun, and creativity.

Let’s keep sex speecy spicy, especially in times like these! It shouldn’t feel like a chore or an obligation. If you’re feeling like your sex life is hurting, whether from what’s happening in your outside world or simply over time, make time to check in with yourself and your relationship. Did you listen to our episode with Dr. Shannon Chavez? She has so many more speecy spicy tips - it’s an episode you don’t want to miss!

What other questions do you have for a juicy second episode with her? Send me a DM - @everydaypursuits. I got you girl!

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